Monday 18 March 2024
Helloooo Newman: Advil
Advil
From the makers of Advil comes Subtractvil.
If you just don't feel like sex tonight and you need a believable excuse, Subtractvil gives you that headache you so desperately need.
Great for all occasions. Take a day off work. Skip that golf game you suck at anyway. Uncertain about your upcoming wedding?
Skip it! And everyone will believe you. Because it's a real headache.
With Subtractvil.
Subtract the annoying things out of life.
Thursday 14 March 2024
Helloooo Newman: In-between the lines
In-between the lines
I read somewhere that all the best writers challenge you to read in-between the lines.
So I wrote a blog with just the important stuff in-between the lines.
Let me know what you think.
Enjoy…
Wednesday 13 March 2024
Helloooo Newman: Chicken counting
Chicken counting
I heard someone say that you shouldn't count your chickens before they hatch.
Really?
How about if you own a Swiss Chalet franchise.
It's Christmas time. Festive specials are flying out the door.
Hey Frank, how many chickens do we have left? Are we running out?
Dunno. You told me not to count them.
Boom. You're out of business.
Friday 8 March 2024
Helloooo Newman: ASSCII
ASSCII
I swear, sometimes I feel like I get text messages in my ass.
Let me tell you, checking them is not enjoyable.
Helloooo Newman: Biden his time
Biden his time
I'll be honest, I hope Biden wins.
I'll be honest, Biden reminds me of my grandfather while dropping Bengay and Metamucil in a sauna.
Bengay and Metamucil are proud sponsors of this blog.
Monday 4 March 2024
Helloooo Newman: Tell it like it is
Thursday 29 February 2024
Helloooo Newman: Out to lunch?
Out to lunch?
Why are people always out to lunch?
I wake up stupid in the morning sometimes and that's out to breakfast.
Wednesday 28 February 2024
Helloooo Newman: Climate Fun Killer
Climate Fun Killer
Under new Liberal legislation, it will be against the law to enjoy nice weather during winter.
Statements like "what a nice February day" and "wow, this is patio weather, let's get a beer" will be strictly monitored and punishable by 2 weeks locked in an abandoned meat freezer.
Think it's warm enough to wear shorts? Think again.
February short-wearing people will spend July in a full-body ski suit. Gotta learn, people!
Remember.
IT'S WINTER.
Stop enjoying the nice weather.
Sunday 25 February 2024
Helloooo Newman: The Partly Fake News
Thursday 22 February 2024
Helloooo Newman: Law & Order me a timbit: Toronto
Law & Order me a timbit: Toronto
The Law & Order franchise is finally coming to Toronto.
Congratulations, Toronto. You're finally on par with the average American city for gun crime and random subway stabbings. Think of all the actors this will employ.
Hear that noise? That's the Canadian content police partying away. They're the ones who insisted that Law & Order: Toronto be filmed in Toronto. Rules, rules, rules.
In the first episode, a mass casualty event.
24 people die waiting in traffic on the QEW.
There's a football game, a baseball game, a Raptors game, a Leaf game, a Bruce Cockburn concert, a bike race in all the bike lanes and a gaggle of Metrolinx employees building an LRT under Lake Ontario because they got lost.
The police, busy counting the extra money they just got from Toronto, take extra time to respond.
The lawyers, busy prosecuting comedians for telling inappropriate jokes, don't even hear the Dum Dum at the beginning of the show.
Future episodes:
ArriveCan: Dead on arrival
Metrolinx: The 11 year crime
I predict 200 seasons.
Thursday 15 February 2024
The road less traveled, because it's not built
Look, mom. No roads |
The Liberal party of Canada has a new "plan" for Canada.
We gathered a random group of Canadian toddlers, future voters, to ask what they think of the Liberal's new "plan".
The plan: Lots of money for electric cars and batteries. Force people to buy electric cars. Grow the country by millions of people. No more money for roads. More money to $80,000 app, developed for $60 million.
Here's what the toddlers said:
Jimmie: I like flying cars. Are they flying cars?
Carla: This sounds like the mess I just made in my diapers.
Nigel: My daddy likes to swear and drive in the bike lane. Will this mean less swearing?
Timmy: My baby carriage. Will it be electric?
Miranda: I once threw up 60 million peas.
Nuban: Socioeconomically speaking, the transfer of populations across the earth makes sense and is, in some ways, a natural occurrence. Just like when the first hominids ventured out of Africa so long ago. And ontologically speaking, humans are, in the core of their being, curious and adventurous animals. But the need for critical infrastructure to support these migrations are of supreme importance. Hopefully the right decisions will be made.
Nuban is in the gifted program.
There you have it, folks. The first reactions to the Liberal plan for the great nation of Canada.
How will these toddlers vote when they are of age? Will they move? We can only guess.
With such common sense analysis, I'm ready to vote them in now.
Saturday 10 February 2024
Helloooo Newman: Super Bowlderdash
Super Bowlderdash
I'm rootin' for the 69ers tomorrow.
Really counting on this Taylor Swift guy to touch some downs.
Wednesday 7 February 2024
Helloooo Newman: brother of a greater known
brother of a greater known
We all know Rene Descartes famously wrote, I think, therefore I am. In the Latin, that's cogito, ergo sum.
Rene had a little-known brother.
Al a Cartes.
He wrote in the bathroom of a diner, I think I'll have the soup, burger and Boston creme pie, therefore I am hungry.
In the Latin, that's muchiesito, ergo fullum.
Friday 2 February 2024
Helloooo Newman: Pornflation
Pornflation
Economists have confirmed it.
Shrinkflation has hit the porn industry.
Instead of increasing prices, they're shrinking the size of penises and boobies.
Have you noticed?
* still searching for a picture for this one
Helloooo Newman: Blinded by the Science Centre
Blinded by the Science Centre
The chorus of babies crying for the Science Centre to stay where it is grows every larger.
Who gives a crap. Where you want it. Just because it was there when you were a kid.
I want a beer store in my backyard and a brothel in my bedroom, but I don't have that, do I?
Put a diaper in it.
Thursday 25 January 2024
Helloooo Newman: and the Oscar goes to…
and the Oscar goes to…
Wednesday 24 January 2024
Helloooo Newman: Back to basics
Back to basics
It's back to basics for kindergarten in Ontario.
From climate change, gender politics and rewriting history to poopy pants, telling on your friends and running in the yard. It will be a hard adjustment for our children.
Also, no tobogganing in class.
Monday 22 January 2024
Helloooo Newman: Twisted leader
Twisted leader
In case you didn't recognize her, this is Sophie Trudeau. Probably on that Jamaican beach that cost Justin $100,000 to stay for the week over Christmas.
Sorry, he didn't actually pay for it. After first saying he did pay for it. Did you know some of his assistants had to stay at nice resorts near him? At taxpayer's expense! In case he needed his swimming trunks pressed. I applied for that job, but decided my efforts where better spent here helping Metrolinx build their subway. I figured I know as much about subway-building as they do.
Turns out Sophie is starting a new career as a yoga instructor. Her first client will be Justin. Apart from the health benefits, the best part of yoga is Justin learning to twist himself into all kinds of different shapes justifying to Canadians why he needs a week-long $100,000 vacation.
Joe Biden, who is currently risking his political ass using military might to keep all our Amazon orders freely flowing through the Red Sea, has not managed the time for a $100,000 week-long vacation. Oh, and the small feat of beating the world's number one terrorist. Trump.
It was Jane Austin who wrote, "it is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife, and a $100,000 week-long vacation."
Okay. I added that last part. A quote from Pride and Prejudice, both of which Justin has. Remember the black face?
Justin is up on his resorts but down in the poles. Sorry, I meant polls. He's quite popular in the North and South poles polls, where no one has heard of him.
Anyway, I'm sure with a little effort and a very large can of Silvo, Justin will improve his tarnished reputation.
The future of $100,000 beach yoga is riding on it.
Friday 12 January 2024
Helloooo Newman: Not funny ha ha
Not funny ha ha
Any material you find on this site that's not funny was written by Jo Koy.
If you book an appointment, Mr. Koy will come to your house and personally apologize for not making you laugh.
You don't even have to say anything to him. Just purse your lips, a la Taylor Swift.
Mr. Koy will not be coy. He will blame me for the bad material.
But it's all his fault!
Thursday 11 January 2024
Helloooo Newman: The year of living expensively
Wednesday 10 January 2024
Helloooo Newman: In Freeland you get arrested
In Freeland you get arrested
Keep smiling. Bigggggger. See my teeth? Do that. |
I was gonna ask Chrystia Freeland a question yesterday but was afraid I'd get arrested.
Just wanted to know why she doesn't own a car.
Then it hit me. She uses a taxpayer-funded chauffeur.
Oh shit. RCMP at the door.
Monday 8 January 2024
Helloooo Newman: Forgetting Facebook
Forgetting Facebook
Friday 5 January 2024
Helloooo Newman: How was your Christmas?
How was your Christmas?
I hope ya'll had a good Christmas.
I sure hope Justin Trudeau did. He definitely put in a good effort.
He stayed at a $9500/night resort in Jamaica. For 10 nights. For free.
Family friend.
It's a former slave plantation.
Anyway, listen. We can all relax and enjoy 2024 more knowing that "Dundas" will be gone, due to its association with…um…slavery.
PS: It's an ugly rumour that Justin was in black face at this resort. Seems like people confused that with the black eye Sophie gave him.
Thursday 4 January 2024
Helloooo Newman: Booze-free January
Booze-free January
Are you doing a booze-free January like all the other smart people?
I am.
That's why I'm visiting friends. For free booze.
You're next!
Friday 29 December 2023
Helloooo Newman: Fire Sale
Fire Sale
Very depressed, gently used snow shovel
Looking for work anywhere
Bargain basement price, willing to travel to the South Pole